Say Yes to Everything? What Can I Say No To?
It's October, which means we've officially entered the stretch of the year where everyone starts saying "I can't believe it's already Q4" as if October surprised us by showing up on the calendar again, while sprinting toward holiday programs, year-end budgets, and planning season for next year. We're reflecting on the year so far, what we have to get done in these quick-moving few months, and what we want next year to look like.
Let me back up about a decade. I had a wonderful mentor, Marilee Kostadimas, Founder and Senior Planner of Spotlight Sojourns, who has been one of the most positive and influential people I'm blessed to have walked into my life. For the first couple of years we knew each other, she possibly believed in me more than I believed in myself, and she gave me a phrase: "Say yes to everything." I took it quite literally and made it my theme for 2018.
I said yes to CMP University. I said yes to the National Speakers Association's Speakers Academy (which, coming out of a severe anxiety disorder, was terrifying until the very end of the program). I said yes to the invitations, the introductions, the stages, and the "can you help with this?" asks that made my stomach flip a little. It was a transformative, exciting year. Those yeses built my experience, my confidence, and the foundation of a network of peer-friends who still support each other today. I will defend that advice for anyone early in their career, because early on, yes is how doors open.
Fast forward to 2026. A few years ago I started learning that although I LOVED everything I was saying yes to, juggling 15 balls in a day that only comes with 24 hours is a recipe for dropping every single one. It is not sustainable. Belonging to at least five associations and two and a half boards left exactly zero breathing room when life came knocking. I scaled down, but I still have OmniEra, SamTalia Wellness, San Damiano Retreat, a UC San Diego digital marketing program, and board service on top. Every single item is something I love, chose, and still want, but I'm exhausted. (Oh, excuse me: "I'm working on my energy.") Turns out a pile of good things can flatten you just as effectively as a pile of bad ones.
The lip-syncing performance I choreographed for my mentor & past MPINCC President, Marilee Kostadimas, for the association's holiday party in 2017. She's in the dark red two-piece towards the right. 😊
When Yes Becomes a Reflex
I know I'm not alone in this. Parents. Salespeople who hate to say no. Hospitality and events people, who are trained to say yes from day one: yes to the client's last-minute change, yes to the 14-hour load-in, yes to the "quick favor" that eats a Saturday. I also have a flaw I continue to work on: I place my identity too heavily on my accomplishments, when we need to understand we are valuable human beings just the way we are. Hence, the yes.
In America, we run on go, go, go. Busy is the default answer to "how are you?" Rest gets treated as something to earn, usually after the work is done, which is never. A culture that rewards constant yes produces a lot of exhausted, talented people wondering why a full calendar feels so empty. We're getting out of tune with ourselves and weakening our connections with others.
What a Better "No" Looks Like
A no doesn't have to be a door slammed shut. One I've used more often this past year is, "I do not have the bandwidth at this time." Here are some other ideas you can borrow:
"Not at the moment." A good idea can still be a good idea in a few months.
"Not in this way." Say yes to the project, no to the 7am call, the three extra rounds of edits, or the unpaid scope creep.
"I have a better person in mind." Delegating or referring something out is a gift to the person who gets to do it well.
"It's not a good fit." Or you can simply say no. No is a complete sentence. Yes, you CAN say that!
Notice what these have in common. None of them require a dramatic confession or a calendar purge. They require a pause long enough to ask whether it's realistic and beneficial to give the request the time and energy it's asking for. A calendar invite is not a binding contract.
This expands far beyond our work lives, too. The fun stuff can weigh heavy. I love going to school, earning a new certification, working out, taking dance classes, and spending time with friends (and I think I have to start dating again eventually). Meanwhile, I haven't painted anything in at least a couple of years and have been itching to write again. Two creative outlets I love fall by the wayside while everything else piles up high. We can love it all, but we can't say yes to it all, sadly.
The last painting I finished, at least 3 years ago.
Your Q4 Challenge
Before the year-end rush takes over, I'm handing you a different kind of resolution. Skip the list of things to add in January. Start with a list of things to release.
The next time a reminder pops up on your calendar, a request lands in your inbox, or someone calls with an ask, recognize it for what it is and take a pause before your mouth says yes without consulting the rest of you. Ask yourself: Do I want this? Does it deserve the energy it will cost me? Could it be smaller, later, or someone else's? And if you're feeling the way I've been feeling lately, ask yourself, "What can I say no to?"
Taking the time back won't make us less ambitious. It will make room for the things you truly should let in, the ones you might not have noticed before.
I would love to hear what you're releasing. Send me a message. If you work at a company whose people might need to hear this (news flash: doing less can help you do more), I'd love to be invited to speak in the room. 🙂
Let's walk into next year with a little more space to breathe, and put our energy where it's needed most.